what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
