And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
