nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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