oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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