Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
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