someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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