What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
