I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
