She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
