If i come over, it means nothing
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
