In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
