Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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