Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
