My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
