i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
