....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
ok first of all what the fuck
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
