the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
