things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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