Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
