I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
