Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
