I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
