kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
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I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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