Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
