She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
