In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
