"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
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