I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
