My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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