I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
