I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
