I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
