1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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