I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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