I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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