Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
