things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
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I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
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It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
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