if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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