Need sex. Gaining weight.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
