When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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