So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
