Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
