Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
