Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize
