I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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