My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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