God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants