She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.