Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad