I wish I could punch you in the face.
my phone needs a breathalizer
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Randomize
