We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
