the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
