Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
