i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
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